You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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