be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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