if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
