Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
