In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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