you guys were way drunker than both of me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
bring money and cleavage
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize