Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
