I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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