Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
