Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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