shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
