She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
