3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
