Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she told me i tasted like america
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize