So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
