I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
