If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
