weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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