I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
