So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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