The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
