youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
