His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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