I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
