Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I need to stop coming to work sober
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
