omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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