I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
