Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i came on her dog
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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