u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
