I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
