i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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