My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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