Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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