"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize