Already got asked if we're dating
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
