I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
