1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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