I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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