Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
