My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
