Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
