Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize