The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
