My Higher Power is John Stamos
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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