how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
