I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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