We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
