Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
