I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Randomize
