just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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