I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
