is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
