You smell like stripper and shame
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
