i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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