I am spending my child support on dildos
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
