worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
