Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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