so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize