I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it's like iHOP with fire
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
