people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
