I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
