a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
