Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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